Oftentimes I find myself trying to find the simplest way to review a movie. Not because I want to write less, I will write a long review regardless, but rather because I want to breeze through the inevitable conversations that follow people finding out that I have screened something. Elevator pitches are an essential part of the process for getting any creative endeavor off the ground, and as such, condensed reviews are the crux of most of my film review conversations. I have come to the conclusion then, that Bullet Train is what happens when you blend Ocean’s Eleven and Murder on the Orient Express. If you were to then look to me for another sentence or two more I would follow that by simply saying, If you let the guy who directed John Wick and Deadpool 2 direct it. Boom. Sold. If that sold you, read no further. That is this movie. Its wild, irreverent, harebrained, and a great time. If you need to know a little more…fine, I’ll fucking write more.

Bullet Train is based on a book, I know, scary concept. But in one of the few instances where I don’t imagine we will have a lot of people chiming in to say “ahem…excuuuuuse me…the book was better.” Vaguely knowing the material of the book this seems far more like a Fight Club scenario, and while I’m not sure if the author Kōtarō Isaka will make the bold claim that the movie is actually better than his book, as Chuck Palahniuk did, I can safely say that this marks at least two times Brad Pitt has found his way into book adaptations that don’t, in any way, suck. Pitt plays Ladybug, a recently reformed assassin turned snatch and grab artist who has spent the last indeterminate amount of time therapizing himself and trying to take a more peaceful and measured approach to his line of work. He is tasked with boarding a bullet train in Tokyo, grabbing a suitcase, and getting off at the next station. Sounds simple enough right? Well, Ladybug sees through the “it’ll be easy” he hears over his earpiece and immediately questions what the catch is, though his handler insists there is no catch. While he looks in his storage locker for his accoutrements he grabs a few knick-knacks, picks up his gun, looks at it, and places it back in the locker. “Take your gun,” his handler insists. He does not.

Once on board the train, finding the suitcase is easy enough, much to his surprise. As he walks through the train with it, we are introduced to some of the other passengers. A pair of hitmen that go by codenames Tangerine and Lemon are transporting a mob boss’s son, a young woman in first class eyes the case with those “I’m up to absolutely no good” eyes. It’s when Ladybug attempts to disembark that he is first approached about his presence on the train, as another, very angry assassin named the Wolf attacks him. Ladybug is convinced that he’s unlucky, though his handler would have him believe otherwise. As events immediately begin to unfold we find out that his standing with Lady Luck may, in fact, be quite compromised. Though not exactly in the way that the audience expects. Is he unlucky? Sure. Does he somehow end up getting very lucky along the way, regardless? Yes.

Each new player introduced to the increasingly chaotic fray is given a splashy neon title card with their name in English font and Japanese Kanji. Tangerine is a bespoke-suited gentleman killer with a brash lexicon and short temper, Lemon is Tangerine’s partner and can not stop comparing people to characters from Thomas the Tank Engine, our Wolf is a sicario out for revenge, and the mysterious girl in first class who is up to no good is The Prince. Each character has their own reasons for being on the train and while they try to figure it out in different places at different times, the accidental assumptions and eureka moments start to overlap and cause a cascading series of misunderstandings, fist fights, standoffs, and plot twists. Really it’s all so fast paced and goofy that it only makes sense that what you’re watching is essentially Murder on the Orient Express if you let the director of Deadpool 2 and John Wick direct it. Someone dies and these assassins over here assume it was Ladybug. Ladybug, who did just kill someone, but not the person the other assassins are talking about, assumes they know what he did and owns up to it, accidentally claiming a kill that wasn't his. This makes a few assassins take Ladybug as a cold-blooded killer when in reality he doesn’t want to kill anyone, yet somehow people keep ending up dead. The whole thing is absolutely bonkers. But not in the, “how the hell am I still watching this mess” way and far more in the “oh my god this is amazing because everyone thinks that someone else did something they didn't do, how are they going to iron this out before everyone is dead” kind of way.

And as if all of that commotion wasn't enough to pique your interest, the entire movie is riddled with moments of genuine humor. Tangerine and Lemon are played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Bryan Tyree Henry, respectively, and their dynamic is brilliant the entire movie. Every time Lemon brings up Thomas the Tank Engine you can actually see a little piece of Tangerine die inside. Each of their interactions with Pitt’s Ladybug is very funny as well. Benito Antonio Martinez Ocasio (better known as trap artist Bad Bunny) isn’t specifically funny, but the way Ladybug reacts to The Wolf’s unexplained anger had the entire theater in fits. The whole movie is laced with comedic punch-up, making the blend of action and comedy almost feel like a Guy Ritchie film, something that should I ever make a film, I would be honored to be compared to. There are also a couple cameos that caught me completely off-guard in the way being surprised by something obvious does. Each time I was like “Oh shit! Of course they are in this movie!”

Mysteries are hard to construct. They are one of the few literary genres that absolutely demand you have planned out who-done-it before you start letting the characters figure it out for themselves. Bullet Train being based on a book does it no small favors, I’m sure, but the breakneck speed that the plot accelerates and decelerates, not unlike the Shinkansen they cast is riding on, makes it all the more joyous a ride. Every introduction, confrontation, plot development, and plot twist is paced between train stops that conveniently chapterize the movie. Honestly the art direction and cinematography is so astute I was surprised to find out the film wasn't based on a graphic novel. The train cars are distinct and contextually easy to parse, making navigating the train a breeze for viewers, each assassin occupies a particular section of the train as the film starts out, helping differentiate their identities despite the quick pacing, and when the final confrontation reaches its boiling point you have become so familiar with the violent actors that as the scenery blends their personality follows them.

Honestly, I went into Bullet Train with pretty high expectations. The trailers gave just enough away to make it clear everything you would see would be wild, the casting is so on point that everyone shines in their own ways, and when you reach the final stop (I know…I know…) you’re left with a satisfying conclusion of calculated macguffins and a pair of deus ex machinas that, despite their negative connotation, surprise and satisfy. The fight choreography is a clear homage to Jackie Chan, with ridiculous prop use, excellent staging, and exaggerated facial expressions. The jokes are rapid fire, and thus land a few more times than you would expect, and a damn water bottle gets a backstory. It’s bloody, brilliant fun and I was beyond pleasantly surprised, despite my lofty expectations.

@LubWub
~Caleb

Bullet Train (Sony, R)